I regret it all. This isn’t how I had imagined my life when I was that vibrant young ambitious girl in college. My big dreams, passions and desires were even scary for me. That wouldn’t stop me though, I was determined to have it all. A flourishing career, a perfect family and the perfect kids.
To say that I grew up in a dysfunctional family would be an understatement. I’m going to put it as simply as I can. A young lady fell in love with a tall handsome man. They got married, had four kids and lived happily ever after? That only happens in fairy tales and this isn’t one of those. Four kids later, the man decided that the young lady wasn’t enough and kicked her out to live in the kitchen. He then moved another lady into her house. This may sound like a Nigerian movie but it’s my mum’s real life story.
I always prayed for my perfect family. For a man who will love me and cherish the kids we will have. Something interesting that I’ve now learnt about God is that when praying to Him, be as specific as possible or else you’ll be in for a huge surprise.
God sent me the man I prayed for, a loving man who cherished me for me and whom couldn’t wait for us to have our perfect family. I was drawn to him. Most people will just tell you they love you but not Luke. He showed me every single day by his deeds. The goodbye kisses after our dates became a tradition and I always looked forward to the hand picked flowers he’d bring me every time we met. Luke was the perfect guy, right…right?……Wrong!
He was perfect alright, just not for me. Luke was married. “This isn’t what I prayed for?” I lamented to God. Actually, God answered my prayer but he didn’t package it the way I had expected. I should have been specific to the height. ‘A single man who will love me and cherish our family’, should have been my prayer. What now?
I’m currently in my forties and to tell you the truth I feel like a failure. All these years of hard work and what do I have to show for it? A miserable life full of debt and two boys to raise. How did that happen, you ask? Will you believe me if I tell you?
I ran away from Luke the moment I found out he was married. I wasn’t about to be that woman who comes into another’s home. All my life I had told myself not to be that woman who drove my mom out of her own house. So, I kept running and only halted when I met Rich. I fell in love with him, ‘this must be my answered prayer finally’ I thought to myself.
“Marry a man who loves you,” is one advice I regret not taking from my mother. As much as Rich was ‘single’ I have now come to understand that he didn’t love me. I was pregnant with my first child when I realized how similar he was to my father. He was delaying coming to see my parents because guess what, he was married with a child. Irony, huh?
Knowing when to quit should be a subject in school because that would have come in handy. Why did I stick there and try to prove myself? Every time I remember that ‘pick me’ mentality I had I cringe. There I was sending this man money to ‘invest’ in our future and even went ahead to take loans against my salary for him. In Mejja’s words, ‘lazima nilikua nimeekewa kamote’ cause, what insanity was that? The worst of it is that I got pregnant for him again. Kamote!
I took his boys now all grown to his funeral the other day. For over fifteen years we’ve been ‘together’ he never bothered to come see my family. The father of my children was a stranger to my family. But here we were, saving face for my kids. I’d never want them to see how their father had broken me.
Was this my destiny? Is this what God intended my life to amount to? Am I being punished for something I did wrong? Is this a lesson I took long to learn? Why did he fuck me over like that and then he goes and dies? Luke would never do this to me!
Yes! Luke hunted me down other day.
“Why did you run away from me? It’s been twenty years and I can’t believe I’ve found you again and this time I’m never letting you go.”
Luke couldn’t believe the amount of loss of self and humiliation I had gone through these years. The love in his eyes waa still there beneath the wrinkles and as much as he looked different his love for me remained the same. God had sent me the man who would have answered my prayers but I let all that go so He taught me a lesson.
So yes, I regret it all. Not giving Luke a chance to prove his love for me. I should have have trusted God but I was blinded by one of his faults. My biggest regret is holding on to Rich when clearly I should have let go after the first kid. They say hope is what kills you and it’s a fact. It kills your passion, ambitions and the will to keep going.
I have been given a second chance now and trust me when I say all my fear and lack of belief is self were buried in Rich’s grave. I’m living for me now and as for Luke, let’s see what destiny has in store for us.
