When I was growing up, all I wanted was to be a badass at my workplace and to have an amazing little family to call my own. Now, at thirty five sitting in my penthouse apartment having a glass of wine, I couldn’t help but wonder if the latter would ever happen.
“At least have a baby and raise it on your own. You’ll need someone to take care of you in your golden years”. That is always my mother applying unnecessary pressure not knowing how hard I already was on myself. ‘Have I been working too hard?’ ‘Am I too strong to be loved?’ These and more questions ran through my mind those lonely nights in my beautiful penthouse.
Having been raised in a home where my dad loved my mum unconditionally, that is what I wanted. I wanted to raise my kids side by side with the man I love and not on my own. ‘Did my parents set the bar too high?’ ‘Is the kind of love I was looking for not available in my generation?’ I couldn’t understand it.
It annoys the hell out of me knowing that yes I would love that family but maybe the ideal one isn’t in the cards for me.
One morning just after my run, I came back home to a bouquet of flowers awaiting me. Yes, I’m one of those people who shamelessly buys themselves flowers but these ones weren’t from me. They were roses and I’m not a fan of roses.
“I know that I’m not the guy you’re looking for but I do love you. We’ve had great times together and I’d love to keep doing that and much more if you’ll have me. Love, Martin.”
‘Oh not again Martin’, I thought to myself. We met two years ago at our company’s retreat and I must say he was a charmer. I was drawn to him. He challenged me which I enjoyed and he made me laugh. That was a good start on his part. Then I came to find out he was married with kids. ‘Not again’, I said to myself as my heart broke a little.
He wasn’t the first guy I was attracted to that ended up being married. Infact, most of the guys around my age group were married with families. It’s seems I didn’t get the memo earlier as I was busy chasing my career and getting this PhD. And now I was left with no choice but to try date below my age, such a nightmare. Either that or be a mistress and none of those were ideal for me. They weren’t part of the plan. But then again, what good is sticking to the plan if clearly the plan wasn’t working?
“I know this isn’t ideal. I won’t lie to you that I’ll leave my wife, no. But I want to be here for you. To create a family with you. I know you don’t need me to take care of you, you’ve made that clear, how about I just be here. We can make it work, Jane. I know we can.”
He was right. I didn’t need a man to do anything for me. I, however, wanted a man, for companionship. Someone to talk to in the morning and to have dinner with at the end of the day. One to watch TV shows together and to echo my plans to. Someone to laugh with and to walk with in the rain. Martin was offering me that. A companion.
“Who will take care of you when you age? And whom will inherit after you?”
My mother’s words echoed in my head. Was I giving up on the plan? No doubt I wanted kids, but not like this. My ideal life wasn’t with another woman’s husband. Am I ready to be a mistress? Am I okay with that?
Half way through this bottle of wine and I couldn’t help but wonder. What if this is it? Maybe this is my last chance to find some happiness. Not to be alone. It has to mean I give up my dream of having kids so, to do or no to do?
